just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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