Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
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I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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