By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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