I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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