they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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