I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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