All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
