I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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