Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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