If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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