i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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