My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...