i dedicated my morning wood to you.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
