wrigley field is MILF paradise
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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