guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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