Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
