i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
