You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
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We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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