booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
