Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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