you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
