The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
