you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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