Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
