nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Randomize
