You made me cry and you don't even care
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
