Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
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Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
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I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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