My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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