My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
