My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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