I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
