Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I faked an abortion last night.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
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I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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