i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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