I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
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