When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
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It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
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I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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