The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
