My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
don't judge my taste in strippers
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
