I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
