Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
