I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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