considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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