She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
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Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
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No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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