I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
