new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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