Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
