omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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