I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
