i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
