I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
