he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Randomize