I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
