The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize