you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
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The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
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Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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